Ways To Support Your Highly Sensitive Kid
(Before continuing you might want to read my previous post: Some Signs Your Kid Is Highly Sensitive.)
So, you have a highly sensitive kid. Now what?
The following are my big picture recommendations from my work with highly sensitive kids both in the classroom and in private sessions over the past decade - and from being a highly sensitive kid myself.
And honestly, the following recommendations are great for ALL kids. But/and some are even more necessary for highly sensitive ones.
1. ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE
Your child was born with a more sensitive nervous system. They are not pretending to be sensitive. This is who they are and they need acceptance, love and support to thrive.
Sensitivity is NOT the opposite of strength. Do not attempt to change them or “toughen them up.” Instead, BUILD them up with acknowledgement of both the strengths and challenges of being more sensitive and offer them tools to navigate all of the above.
2. HONOR THEIR BOUNDARIES
If your sensitive kid needs space, give them space. If they do not want to be tickled or touched or wear a certain piece of clothing, honor their wishes. If they need you to help them make their room or play space more comfortable, do that. In honoring their boundaries you are respecting who they are and what they need to feel safe and at ease.
You are also telling them that their voice and wishes matter, which for sensitive kids who tend to put others’ needs above their own is life-changing in and of itself.
This does not mean you have no boundaries as a parent! Quite the contrary, you being clear about your boundaries both in honoring your own body and in setting expectations for your child is also helpful for them in many ways. Tell them what you are doing and why or what you expect them to do and why. Ensure they are capable of what you are asking and remind them as such. A great beginner resource for this is the book YES! NO!: A First Conversation About Consent by Megan Madison and Jessica Ralli, illustrated by Isabel Roxas.
3. TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING
Highly sensitive kids are deep thinkers. They will likely have lots of questions! The more you can talk with them about their experience of the world, explain what sensory information they are taking in, and discuss feelings (both theirs and yours) openly, the more they will feel grounded and safe. This may take a lot of patience on your part, but it’s a worthwhile practice.
4. BUILD DOWNTIME INTO THEIR SCHEDULE
Avoid over-scheduling activities and instead build in time to rest and recover. Downtime is essential to thriving for highly sensitive kids and will help reduce burnout, sickness, anxiety and meltdowns.
To this day I am thankful that my mother would allow me to sleep in - even if it meant missing some school - when my plate was too full. Sleep, in and of itself, is repairing for an over-taxed nervous system. You may not have this option, but there are other ways to build in recovery time. In my case, my mom also routinely offered me massages, sessions with my Brain Gym teacher, time in nature and days with nothing on the agenda whatsoever.
5. CREATE ROUTINES TO PREPARE & DECOMPRESS
Transition time before and after school or camp or other big outings can help support your child both in feeling prepared energetically for their day and unwinding when they come home. Think about your specific kid and what helps them feel grounded, calm and capable. The morning and night routines may look different or they may look the same!
Some examples: Doing puzzles at the end of a long day, sitting quietly together reading, having dedicated movement time, listening to calming music, making art, going for a walk, or even some time in a dark room snuggled with a weighted blanket.
Brain Gym, yoga or other mindfulness tools can also be excellent for these routines! I’ll be adding a series of #ToolsForBigFeelings videos to the bottom of this blog post over the next week - all of which would work great for routine support - so stay tuned for that love.
6. LIMIT SCREEN TIME
We could all benefit from time away from our screens. In fact, putting boundaries on our screen time as parents helps our kids be more open to stepping away from their screens.
While some supervised and specific screen time can be great for highly sensitive kids, there are lots of ways that screens can lead to more stress and more stimuli to process. In my experience working with families, everyone feels better when they disconnect from their screens on a regular basis.
Rotate in: Space for boredom (it’s GREAT for their brain!), time in nature, some type of movement practice (even if you have to get creative in your space to make it happen with balance boards or homemade obstacle courses), books, puzzles, music, art - you get the idea!
7. OFFER SENSORY SUPPORT
Just as sensory information can be overwhelming, it can also be used to support your sensitive kid! Some examples: Wearing fabrics that feel soothing to them, carrying around some play dough or a squishy ball that is grounding for them to manipulate, using essential oils or wearing essential oil infused jewelry, having them hum or mimic sounds that are loud, offering headphones with calming music, giving them back or foot massages, resting with weighted friends or blankets, and so much more. Experiment and find what works best for your child.
8. GET THEM MOVING
Movement is nourishing on so many levels! In fact, one of my top recommendations for tiny humans is to get them out of the carseats and strollers and let them wiggle on the floor freely. In doing so you’re allowing their body to integrate infant reflexes and master developmental movement patterns.
Movement also helps kids integrate sensory information and feel grounded in their own bodies. Specifically, movements that provide proprioceptive and vestibular input - such as swinging, jumping, moving heavy or big objects, being upside down, getting compressed by pillows, etc. - help both brain and body regulate sensory information. Proprioceptive input has to do with our muscles, tendons and joints while vestibular input has to do with our sense of balance through our inner ear. When the body receives these types of big movement inputs, it is calming, organizing and orienting.
9. CONNECT WITH NATURE
Nature offers respite for our brains and nervous systems. The woods, a beach, a creek, anywhere they can unwind and tap into the natural rhythm of the world is most ideal. In the city it can be more challenging to find these types of respites, but there are still ways to connect. My daughter and I like to say hello to the trees by putting our hands on their bark and breathing deeply. (In fact, this was one of our before-school routines for awhile!) Remember that simple is nourishing. Be intentional and connect however you’re able.
10. TAKE CARE OF YOUR OWN FEELINGS
As the grownup in a highly sensitive kid’s life, it is essential to take care of your own feelings. Otherwise your child will spend a huge amount of their time and energy monitoring your emotions and caring for you.
Your feelings are not their responsibility. Actively tell your child: “I am having a big feeling right now but I am going to take care of myself so I can feel better.” Then do exactly that! Your care for yourself also models how to manage big feelings when they arise.
11. ASK FOR HELP
Therapy, Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy, Rhythmic Movement Training, Movement Based Learning, Brain Gym, and more can all be supportive to helping you and your child thrive. Plus, in all those fields there are folks (like me) who specialize in working with the highly sensitive. Be sure your support system can meet your needs with lots of love.
#ToolsForBigFeelings:
When the feelings are too much (For You or your kid)…
I have been leaning into this tool A LOT as my toddler is at a strong stage of big feelings and testing boundaries - and I have less capacity to handle it with the extra work around the launch of my book! One day I told her, “Mommy needs space to calm her body down,” and stepped into the next room to do Hook-Ups. I kept the door open so she could see me and she wanted to come in but I said, “Mommy is still calming her body down, I’ll be out in just a minute.”
Us dealing with our own big feelings in front of our kids is one of the best teaching tools! She saw me: Get upset, remove myself, put myself in hook-ups, and come back feeling calm and at ease. When she sees me do this she learns she can do this, too!
If your kid is feeling anxious or overwhelmed…
I was really blessed as a sensitive kid to have a sensitive mom who understood when I was on the edge of “too much” and allowed me off-time and physical integration on multiple levels. As a teen I got regular massages and was encouraged to sleep in if the toll of school and other activities was reaching the level of overwhelm. Why is this so important? Because without it I could have easily slipped into burnout on a regular basis. With built-in recovery time I could Thrive with a capital T! Versus just get by or even get sick from doing too much.
This lengthening activity on the foot is a wonderful tool for grounding both body and mind, so use it often! Especially if you or your child tend towards anxiety or overwhelm.
With tiny humans I like to sing the Inchworms song by Danny Kaye when I do this - you can google it to learn it - but any other song that feels soothing to you and your kids will do fine. You can also add a grounding or soothing essential oil or body butter when you do this if that feels nourishing (not required at all).
If your kid is feeling scared…
Fear is so real for all of us, especially for sensitive kids. This tool from Brain Gym is so lovely and soothing!
The points on either side of the sternum are reflex points for the eyes and kidney points in Chinese medicine. They help with throat, chest and back pain. They relieve stress and bring breath and energy to the body.
Enjoy!
If your kid is feeling angry…
Many of us were taught that anger is scary and unacceptable, but it’s a completely normal and healthy feeling that merely needs to be channeled safely into loving action. Tantrums are also normal and healthy. Your children desire agency. Give it to them in small ways as often as you can. Testing boundaries is also normal! Hold steady and with big love.
If they hit, remind them that you will not allow them to hurt anyone or anything and then give them options for what they can hit / how they can release the feeling.
Navigating all of the above is easier said than done. Take good care of yourself and if you need help, ask for it.
Reflect on your experience and relationship with anger. Do you allow yourself to feel it? How do you safely channel it into loving action?
If your kid is feeling sad…
This tool is simple and profound. Holding these points for your child - or for someone else you love - is a gift of presence. I loved receiving this as a kid! And found it useful when navigating feelings of grief or disappointment.
Share it with big love.
If your kid takes on the feelings of others…
Believe me when I say taking responsibility for your feelings as a grownup will be life changing in the best way for your sensitive kids! If the grownups around when I was a kid had done this, I would have spent a lot more time being a kid rather than feeling like my well being was tied to taking care of others.
Which leads me to… You can now Preorder my children’s book, “Arya & Everyone Else’s Feeling,” via tinyurl.com/aryathebook
I am so ready for sensitive kids and their grownups to have a beautiful book that helps them practically and joyfully release the weight of other people’s feelings.
Thank you so much for supporting the sensitive kids in your life.
My children’s book, Arya & Everyone Else’s Feelings, is now available through Kickstarter! Click here to learn more and preorder your copy.
So much love,
Kelsey