Let Fear be your Guide & Let Go of the “Plan” - My Giving Birth Story
There’s a baby in there.
Birth.
We are all born. Yet when I became pregnant I realized I had never attended anyone’s birth. I’d never witnessed it other than what I’d seen on television and in movies. Even though it’s the most natural and normal occurrence and we all experience it as we enter the world, it was actually quite mysterious and distant from anything I knew. I’m an excellent student, though, so I set about to learn and acclimate myself - mostly in an attempt to normalize and de-mystify it. I watched videos of people giving birth, I looked at photos, I started following all sorts of doulas and birth centers on social media, I enrolled in an online hypnobirthing class, I set out to hire my own doula (and did - she’s great!) and then I absorbed everything that came my way through all these channels.
I became more and more confident in my ability to birth my baby. Yet, in addition to learning all sorts of pain management and mindfulness techniques to birth naturally, I also learned about all the ways to medically induce birth or intervene if something goes other than expected. As my husband likes to say, have the plan and then have a few backup plans just in case. Because this is the other thing about pregnancy and giving birth: It’s unpredictable.
There are so many birth stories where the plan was thrown out the window. In fact, I’ve helped a few women recover from traumatic birthing experiences where their health or their little one’s wellbeing was at risk and measures needed to be taken to keep them safe.
I’ll be honest, these stories scared me during my pregnancy. As a healer and coach I could hold that loving space for others and support them fully, but as a woman facing the birth of my own child, I was scared. And yet, my fear prepared me.
I acknowledged my fear and faced it again and again throughout pregnancy. I said hello to it. I soothed it and loved it. I accepted that what I was most afraid of could come to pass - it could! When I did this I said to myself, “Okay, what if this does happen, then what? Well, then I would be devastated. Alright, then what? Well, I would go to therapy and lean on my spiritual and communal support systems and I would move through it.” That was for the worst-case-scenarios, but I also played out other outcomes, too. I might have to get a C-Section and how would I feel about and eventually heal from that? I also let my fear lead me to ongoing education and care. When it arose I asked myself, “What would make me feel more safe or comforted in this moment?” My fear became my guide. It prepared me for anything.
Photo taken on the evening of my due date, August 2nd, 2020. (Yes, I’m wearing shorts - LOL!)
Through my dance with fear, I came down to the essence of my desire / birth vision: Baby safely out of my body and on my chest. Baby and I healthy and safe. That was my focus, my ever-present goal. This guided how I nourished my body leading up to giving birth and my oh my was it my guiding light when sure enough, my “preferred plan” of a natural birth was tossed out the window.
My baby’s due date was August 2nd, 2020, and when she didn’t arrive, we traveled to our routine doctor’s appointment on August 3rd thinking they would say what they said every single time previously: “Everything looks great, call us when things start happening.” Instead they said, “The fluid around your baby has dropped to an unsafe level, we recommend you induce labor TODAY.”
My husband and I looked at one another and said, “Well, wow!” And after a moment to process we said, “Okay!”
Now, I follow a ton of amazing women who have strong feelings against inducing birth - and I get it. It’s not always necessary, it can cause other problems and when you start the induction process thinking it will lead you to natural birth, it often requires other interventions because your body doesn’t respond well to being forced into labor. I totally get it. And yet, here I was. I had a choice and I chose to follow my doctor’s recommendation and be induced… and you know what, I was EXCITED. I was SO EXCITED to meet my daughter. I felt safe and secure in the hands of my doctor. I felt confident in my body to open and allow this process to happen. I was ready and induction felt appropriate and aligned.
We left the doctor’s office with instructions to go home, shower, eat, grab our go bag and go get settled at the hospital. But before jumping in the car to head home, we took a short stroll through Central Park (conveniently located across the street from our doctor’s office - yes, we had a swanky New York birth). It was a gorgeous day. My husband was a little in shock and I, like I said before, was excited.
In that moment I had a deeper understanding of why people would schedule C-Sections. Though they are not my preferred choice for a variety of reasons, I could see how knowing when you were going to meet your baby could relieve quite a bit of stress and anxiety. My husband and I had spent the previous weeks feeling on edge as my Braxton hicks were quite persistent! Every day we wondered, Is today the day? Are we ready? Is the house clean and the bag prepped and the fridge stocked? So having the opportunity to go home and leisurely (well, sort of leisurely as the adrenaline started pumping) do the final pieces of preparation and head to the hospital was pretty lovely.
Taken right before we left our apartment to go to the hospital. SQUEAL!
Our birth was at Lenox Hill Hospital (my husband likes to refer to it as Beyonce’s hospital as that’s where she gave birth) and let me say right now, to us they were FABULOUS. We had such a wonderful experience. Everyone was incredibly kind and we felt very cared for from beginning to end.
After getting checked in and settled in our room, the doctor arrived and began the induction at about 6:30pm. The Foley bulb / balloon was inserted (I won’t go into the details, you can look it up if you’re curious) and I was given Pitocin to contract my uterus. I did a hypnobirthing meditation and began to ride the waves of the contractions / surges. I was feeling quite confident in my ability to self-manage the discomfort and honestly, I was rocking it! The surges were coming every few minutes and I was humming and moving and breathing and doing all the things. We called our doula and decided we didn’t need her yet because we were just getting started and doing so well. It was totally manageable.
Eight hours in, at 2:30am, I was 3-4cm dilated so the doctor removed the Foley bulb and broke my water. All of a sudden the surges became electric! Everything felt 10x more intense and there was no reprieve as the Pitocin kept my uterus contracting every 2 minutes! It felt like none of my techniques were working so we called our doula and I said, “I want the epidural!” And she’s incredible so of course she supported my choice.
Side note:
To anyone who has had labor without an epidural: You are amazing.
And to anyone who has had labor with an epidural: You are amazing.
It is a choice and your choice does not make you any less amazing.
It was so interesting, leading up to my labor I kept running into women who shared more stories about getting the epidural and how honestly wonderful it was for them. The universe was definitely winking at me, telling me it was OKAY to make that choice. There was nothing wrong with that choice, which I think a part of me was still holding it off to the side thinking, Not me. I’m not going to need that. I’m a badass birthing goddess. Well, hey! Let’s get this straight right now:
NO MATTER HOW You CHOOSE TO DO IT,
ANYONE GIVING BIRTH IS BADASS IN MY BOOK.
A HUMAN GREW IN YOUR BODY.
YOU’RE INCREDIBLE.
Great, now that we have that out of the way, I got the epidural. I had to wait for it, though, because the anesthesiologist was supporting someone else through a C-Section so I used those pain management tools to the best of my ability and howled and squeezed my husband’s hand for an hour until they finally came and gave me the epidural. But get this - it wasn’t enough. (Which I later learned a lot of folks have this experience, too!)
After waiting the appropriate amount of time we quickly realized that my pain level was the same. They put in a catheter and I didn’t feel that so it was working, but my pain hadn’t changed at all.
And yes, we had to wait again for the anesthesiologist to return and give me another dose.
Finally at 6:10am the intense pain lessened to pressure. Now instead of screaming I was moaning. I laid on my side and breathed, unable to sleep but able to rest.
At this point, after 3 and a half hours of intense discomfort, I was still at 3-4cm, the same as when the Foley bulb came out. Nothing had changed! I was too tight, the pain was too much. So I gave up. I rested.
Then around 8am my body told me it was time to move and so I told my husband I wanted to sit up. At almost exactly the same moment our doctor came in to check on me and in under 2 hours I had gone from 3 cm to 10! Bodies are amazing! Relief from pain is pretty awesome! Rest is active. It was go time!
The room swirled around me as everyone prepared the space and I, dreamily, looked to my husband and said, “She’s coming. Our baby is coming.” He, hilariously in hindsight, was like, “Great dear, I have to help prep the space.” He also asked our doctor and nurses, “How long will it take before our baby is born?” They said pushing usually takes an hour, maybe up to three hours. So we called our Doula to join us and positioned ourselves to start pushing. They talked me through how to push and that we’d do it during the contractions.
Healthy baby on healthy mom. Yay.
First contraction, 3 pushes… and my baby is crowning!
They tell me I’m doing great, let’s do it again.
Second contraction, 3 pushes… and my baby is OUT!
The cord was wrapped around her neck but in seconds they had it cut and clamped and my baby was in my arms.
They told us later that they had never seen anyone give birth with so few pushes. All I know is that I was ready and apparently our little girl was ready, too.
Our birth “plan” was:
No interventions, no epidural, extended cord clamping.
Our birth was:
Induction with an epidural and immediate cord clamping.
I was ecstatic. I felt empowered. I felt supported. My ultimate end goal was a healthy baby on the chest of a healthy mom. My birth, for me, was an overwhelming success.
Moms want to do what is best for their babies. What is best for every mom and every baby is different. The very same birthing experience for someone else could have felt traumatic. We got to say, “Yes, we are on board with an induction.” I got to say, “I want the epidural.” And the cord clamping, to me, was irrelevant as long as my baby could breathe. But I know moms who didn’t feel like they got to make those choices, but rather choices were made for them against their intuition or preference or even health. I also know folks who say the only way to birth is 100% natural. Again, I understand where these folks are coming from, but hospitals and doctors and pain relievers are there for good reason, too. I believe education, access and loving treatment at every step are key for each person to make the best choice for them. So, below you’ll find my personal recommendations.
What helped me & ways to help others:
I loved the Better Birth Stories Online Hypnobirthing Course. The meditations helped me dance with my fear and not be swallowed by it. And the information it imparted helped me understand ALL my options and feel empowered to make the best choices for me and my baby in the moment.
I also loved our doula, Jessica Diz, who furthered our education and who didn’t even end up being part of our birth but whose voice and reminders were integral to my success both during birth and postpartum.
Doulas are AMAZING. And no matter your birthing preference, loving treatment can be improved with a doula by your side as your caregiver and your advocate. Now, I am a cisgender straight white woman, so my experience of overwhelmingly positive could be partly because of that - which is awful, but true. If you, like me, had a positive birth experience you can donate to organizations like:
or my local favorite here in NYC, Mama Glow.
You can also research volunteer doulas in your area and contribute to them directly so someone in need can get access and support. Did you have a doula? Were they invaluable to your experience? Gift that to another human.
Final reminders:
If you’re a birthing human, be gentle with yourself. Get the care and love you need to heal or recover from your birth - physically, mentally and emotionally. Yes, even if it was 50 years ago!
If you’re pregnant, check out the resources above and discover your own. Trust that you know what’s best for you and your baby, attempt to let your fear be your guide, and ask for what you need to feel empowered and supported through the birthing process and beyond.
If you read all this and you’ve had a miscarriage, I am sending you so much love. Please check out this post with my favorite healing tool to feel safe in your body again after miscarriage, surgery or other trauma.
And for anyone else, thanks for reading! Share this with someone you love and/or someone who would benefit from this story.
You’re incredible. For reals. Yes, you.
SO MUCH LOVE,
Kelsey